The vegans tricked me

Over the weekend I was visiting my usual lunch place, Smash Burger which serves some very delicious burgers, when I decided to branch out and try something new. My friend pointed out the new Native Cafe restaurant that was close by so I decided to give it a shot. I saw Native in their name so I figure they serve exclusively local organic food or some such sort (I was very wrong). I quickly scanned their menu and saw “Oklahoma Bacon Cheeseburger” it had something about delicious native bacon in its description and I was sold.

I order up the aforementioned burger and some fries and she starts rambling about all the different fries she has, I just reply I’ll take the most normal fries you have. So I take my seat and expect that in a few moments I will be served some combination of beef, pork product and cheese.I notice a guy with dreads in the corner, over at the table next to us there are a couple of Indian woman munching on some burgers. That’s funny I think to myself Indians don’t eat beef, eh they probably serve tofu burgers too. This is where the trouble begins. I look to my right and see a blackboard talking about their various “meat” products and see “Native Bacon” and underneath that it describes how it is made out of some sort of tofu. Oh god. I look at a pamphlet on the table and see “100% vegan restaurant ” at the very top. Back at the blackboard I see my expected beef is actually “Seitan”. Panic begins to set in my friend begins laughing so hard he is crying. I have just spent 13.90  at a vegan restaurant. OK I have to deal with this situation, I’m sure this burger can’t be that bad who would become a vegan if all the food tasted awful?

My “Bacon Cheeseburger” with no bacon,cheese or burger arrives. I peer inside of the buns cursorily to inspect what I have gotten myself into. The “bacon” looked pretty real actually, well it had the right color at least. The closest thing I know of that resembled the “cheese” was easy-cheeze and finally the “beef” looks like a slab of calamari… “It can’t kill me right? right??” I ask my friend, he shrugs. I just go for it and take out a huge bite. I will remember that bite for a long time, it was the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten.It did not taste like cheese, it did not taste like bacon and it sure as hell did not taste like burger. God have mercy on your soul if you stumble into this place. This review ends here it pains me too much to say more.

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