This week kind of breezed by. I’m halfway through my internship at Windward. Man, that actually makes me sad already. I already know I’m going to be really sad when I have to leave. I may never see these people again. Or I may. But it will be a long time either way. And the way the day works is…pleasant. Wake up at 6, work out, get to work around 8:15, work until lunchtime, go out to lunch with everyone, come back and do more work, and silly interactions interspersed throughout the day. Often (like Tuesday game nights) there’s something fun in the evening, and if not something fun with the company I do something on my own and have a good time most days.
I really like it. I will be sad to see it out of my life. But for now I’ll make the most of it and enjoy it!
In the meantime, to the title.
Who am I?
The question has a simple enough answer. I’m Wendy Brooks. I’m 19 (20 in August!). Rising junior at Harvey Mudd College. CS major. Lived in Washington before college (but only since I was 8). There’s a fair amount of factual information. That’s easy enough.
But that’s not what I mean. For so long, I’ve identified as quiet, shy, introverted. I still kind of do. But then I look at how I interact with people now. I’m not quiet, per se. When it’s a group of people I don’t know I am, sure. But if it’s people I’m at all comfortable with I don’t seem to be. I’m not quiet at Windward, certainly. I’d call myself loud, in a sense. Vocal, perhaps, because volume I still lack. And I like talking to people a lot. Socializing is awesome. Especially with the people here, and the people at Mudd.
I guess it might be that I’m better at and prefer smaller, one-on-one (or three or four people) interactions to larger groups. Because I end up being quiet in a large group, or at least quieter. So I don’t feel like I’m introverted strictly speaking. Although I have become a bit better at that, talking more in that setting (as appropriate), but it’s still quite effortful compared to a one-on-one conversation. That’s not to say that large groups aren’t fun – I often enjoy them a lot. But one-on-one tends to me preferred mode of interaction, I guess.
So am I shy, or not? Am I quiet, or loud? Extrovert, or introvert? Or, much more likely, I’m somewhere in the middle?
There’s also the matter of nerdiness. I have always considered myself kind of nerdy/dorky, and at a bare minimum quirky (which I have no doubt is still true). But lately I’m not sure…and there is certainly (at least on the internet) a discussion about what makes people nerdy versus poser-y. So my thoughts on this in terms of me are a bit scattered and uncertain. I like things like Poke’mon (a lot) and I play some amount of videogames. In that category though, I don’t play the big games that most of my friends seem to play: Magic: the Gathering, or StarCraft, Half-Life, Mass Effect, there’s a whole slew of games that many of the people I spend time with are familiar with and talk about, and I’m just not really interested in them. I dunno. My lack there almost makes me feel like I’m not truly…nerdy or something. But that’s just how I’ve always identified too. I dunno. It’s weird.
It’s the kind of the thing that doesn’t really matter, but somehow I’m worried that it does. Especially if I end up somewhere in the CS field where the fact that I’m a women is an actual thing that comes up. I hesitate to say it’s a problem, but in some places it actually is. I’ve been fortunate, because it isn’t at Mudd or Windward at all, which is amazing and wonderful. But yeah. Like it really doesn’t matter but if it was as simple as acknowledging that and moving on life would be a whole lot easier.
Anyway. That’s enough self-reflection for now I suppose. It’s not something I’m constantly thinking about or that directly impacts my life. Mostly I don’t really think about it, I just behave as myself. Which is cool, because I used to really not even know what behaving like myself meant. But even though I’m unsure I do know how to be myself, as much as anyone else seems to know how to do the same.
But I want to categorize it, so I can put into words who I am. Humans are more complex than that, undoubtedly. So it’s a bit silly. Can’t help it though.
Anyway, I’ve got some plans for the weekend so that’s cool. It should be fun, despite being alone for a bit longer than I like.
Here’s hoping I don’t melt in the ridiculous heat,