This is a deep, serious entry. It contains thoughts that are very important to me. Fair warning.
This hasn’t come up in this blog yet. Before I moved to Windward’s site I wrote a very deep, serious entry about it. (Be warned, it is quite heavy, but for the curious, http://golden3point14.blogspot.com/2013/04/passing.html)
So, tomorrow is two months.
Two months since my grandmother passed away.
That doesn’t feel like a long time. I feel…cold, when I think about it. That’s really a poor description, but I don’t know how else to say it. Like even with everything, even with the funeral, it doesn’t feel…it’s still kind of hard to believe. Thank goodness I’ve stopped thinking about it randomly throughout the day, for the most part.
But sometimes I do think about it. And I’m still sad. Sometimes I just have to stop and think about it and then move on. As a small example, I think she’d really like the silly drawings I’ve been doing lately. I think she’d find them very cute and funny. She always liked my drawings, even when they were terrible.
To be honest, and this is kind of scary to admit, I was scared to come home this week. For a few reasons. The last time I saw my family was at the funeral. But mainly, my grandpa was also visiting us. He still is, this week, actually. I was scared, because to me, they were always together. We even had a nickname for both of them, as a unit: Gumpa. Apparently this was from me as a small child. But to see him, and not to see her, scared me a lot more than I care to admit.
And it’s been fine. But it does feel a bit like something is missing.
Something I did was bring the stuffed rabbit I have with me. I always keep it on my bed, but I usually don’t bring her home with me. My grandma went by Bunny. When we Skyped if I had Rabbit with me or when I visited she would love to talk to Rabbit and be silly and that sort of thing. So I brought Rabbit with me this time, because…it felt like the thing to do. Because she wasn’t there, but if she had been, that would have been the thing.
Erp, tears welling up. Hang on a second…I guess I just haven’t expressed myself about this in a while.
I miss her. And really that will be true for a long time. And that is reasonable, I think.
She would have been really excited to hear about what I’m doing.
Yesterday at lunch my grandpa was asking us how to delete contacts out of his phone. He was deleting her. I hadn’t done that yet. I had thought about it and decided I didn’t want to just yet. I hadn’t thought about it in a while though. It was jarring. And so I went into my contacts and deleted it. And then wished I hadn’t. But I did. And why should I have kept it…but I somehow wish I had, a bit. It makes it feel all the more final. Which, it is. I just…it caught me off guard that it came up and that I did that. I dunno.
On the other hand, I guess I do kind of think about her. I have a lot of her jewelry, and her bandanas and scarves. And I wear them. Quite regularly. The last month or so of school I wore the same necklace everyday. And then when my dad came down to drive to Boulder with me he brought scarves and jewelry for me to have. And I wear them, and it makes me happy to wear them, because they belonged to her. It makes me feel connected. It makes me feel like she is proud of me. And no one around me has any idea. But it’s so special to me, that I have these things, and that I can wear them.
It’s still pretty tough. And on nights like tonight, when I stop and think about it and realize just how long it hasn’t been, it’s even harder. I want to cry. And I probably will, later.
I just…I still have a lot of feelings about this. Of course I do, I don’t think anyone expects otherwise. I just didn’t realize quite how many until just now. I could go on and on. But, for right now, I shouldn’t.
This feels a bit out of place on this blog. Given how I haven’t talked seriously about anything here yet. But I…just had to…I feel relieved to have typed any of it…but still that I could go on forever and never feel that I’ve finished.
At any rate. I should sleep now.
Thank you for listening.