Except that work doesn’t really feel like a grindstone so much, usually. But it is time to get down to business.
To be honest with you, today was one of those days where I start to doubt my ability. I knew that I would be behind because I was gone for a week, but I felt like I was behind to start, and hearing about it today kind of freaked me out a little bit.
Mild context: four interns are working on the same project, four separate parts of it. So we should all finish around the same time is kind of the idea about it (although it sounds like the C# stuff has more to it that the Java people will help with, so that’s…good…I think).
This morning we had our dev meeting as per usual. In which I found out that two of the other interns think they’ll be done within the week. Auuuuu ;_; I’m really glad for them, but that stressed me out a bit because I’m not almost done as far as I can tell, and at the time I had some problems I had been trying to fix for a while (I did fix them today, as it turns out). Most of what I did today was fix inane problems. Which didn’t help me feel a lot better about that.
Like, in terms of straight up productivity, today was pretty reasonable, especially for a first day back. I solved a ton of problems and reasonably quickly and without assistance. However, they didn’t feel like progress because they seemed rather inane. Which is unbelievably irritating when you already feel behind. ;_;
Don’t get me wrong, I’m mostly fine. I’m not in like OHGOSH PANIC MODE ENGAGE ZOOOOOOOOM, but I do feel a bit worried and am going to need to find a way to boost my confidence because I’m sure I code better when I feel good about myself. I did accomplish and finish a thing by the end of the day, and it worked, but I had intended to be done with that the week before I left so that didn’t really help. Although I’m glad it worked. So if I just really get my butt in gear tomorrow I may be able to finish another one, which would make me feel a lot better. Wub. There’s a lot to do.
And yes yes I know I can do it I just feel a bit worried about it because being behind is one of those things for me. It’s kind of like how I get stressed out about being late or not finishing homework assignments in time despite having more than enough time. It’s just a personality quirk, which is good in a sense because it motivates me, but is also bad because it’s stressful.
All the pressure comes from myself, and not any other source, to make that crystal clear. Which is why this stress feels a bit silly but at least I understand it I guess? SHRUG.
However, to finish on a positive note, I am excited to be back in Boulder. Games night again tomorrow night, seeing a movie with friends Thursday night, maybe some more hiking this weekend, you know, there’s stuff going on. The first day tends to be hard but the rest of the week seems good. And I’m going to work out every morning this week starting tomorrow! HUZZAH. EXERCISE. Which also makes me feel good and happy with myself, so that.
I want to leave a picture of something here. Which reminds me that I want to take a picture of how I’ve decorated my space at work…pipe cleaners and plushies everywhere. : D
I can do this. Right? Right. (I should print the motivational kitten eel picture, minus the black background! : D)
EDIT: I saw the title as I was posting this (“Life is Golden”) and was reminded why I titled the blog that – partly because my typical choice of username is Golden3point14, but partially because I want to remind myself that my life really is golden, for the most part. And by that I mean it’s really good, and I shouldn’t let the little things get me down (or in this case the things I’m stressing myself about it that I should calm down about). Just wanted to share that.